I got quite a shock tonight. In my innocence I was going through my computer, reading some stuff I had written a long time ago, as I sometime do to sort of take stock and see what has changed. One of the things I found was this post, which I’ve translated from Icelandic; I wrote it on October 17th 2011, two months after I started therapy, a month before I went to see my healer for the first time (where I bawled my eyes out, coincidentally):
“Depression. Is this depression? I didn’t used to think so. I thought that was something I had gotten rid of since those years in high school. But feeling anxious about going to work, to be among people, to want to be home where I am safe, is that something other than depression?
I watched a TV show the other day where a guy killed himself by wrapping weights around his body and jumping into a pool. My reaction? I thought: “Clever.” Because when I was feeling suicidal, back then, I had decided against drowning as the thought of fishes devouring my body in the ocean had been off putting to me. Here, however, was a solution to that problem, and that is what I thought was so clever. To think “clever” about a suicide attempt is not a sign of a mind that is okay (let’s not even adress the fact that I was worrying about my dead body, but not about my living body, mind and soul). So, not good.
I don’t want to kill myself. I want to live. But I don’t see death as something horrible. I think it’s peaceful. The way I see it, death brings peace. Freedom. Freedom from this world which is not beautiful, but merciless.
I haven’t written about how my therapy is going recently, the way I intended, simply because I didn’t want to. The reason is simple; I did so well at first. I spoke, and I got answers: “You are full of sorrow, and anger and sadness”, great, “You are possessed of a deep rooted fear of rejection”, good to know, this is what I want to hear, that I don’t feel like this for nothing, that I’m not just being a loser, but that there is something actually wrong! There is a man who says to me: “Yes, you are right, there is something really wrong. And we are going to fix that.”
But when we were supposed to fix it things didn’t go so well anymore. “Tell me what you say to yourself. In which situation are you? How do you feel in that situation?” But I don’t know how I feel in that situation. “Tell me, tell me how you feel, otherwise we can’t change the cause-effect pattern.” BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL! I went from looking forward to the sessions, from getting answers, to be anxious for the meetings and rehearsing how to not answer those questions. I don’t know the answer. Stop asking me. Leave me alone.
It’s October, and the weather sucks, and I’m always sick, I feel so bad, I just want to sleep, I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m just so ill. I have to stay home. It’s just this month. October is an awful month. Everybody thinks so. Everything will be better, as soon as this month is over, I know it, I just have to wait. I just have to take up as little space as possible, just have to breathe, the time will pass, that has been proven, with everyday we get closer to November and then everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.
Maybe it’s not October. Maybe it’s just me.”
Today I am at peace with myself. I feel free. I am happy, and so very thankful for all that I have and all that I am. And the weird thing is, I can’t remember ever feeling as bad as my writing clearly proves I did. I felt like that all the time, I know I did. But that has all fallen away now, thank God. Thank God. Now all I can feel is sad for that girl, that girl that is no longer me, and all that she went through and all the pain that she felt. I am glad I could help her. I am glad that I am no longer her. And for all those that might feel like I am sharing too much here – I have to, if it means that maybe, maybe someone will recognize themselves in that description, and feel that there is a chance for them, too.