Wants.

I feel like I am slowly letting go of the all the “have to-s”. That is, that I “have to” do this, or I “have” to do that. I don’t. I don’t have to do anything at all. All I have to is to do the things I WANT to do.

 

Have to-s of the past: I have to get a boyfriend. I have to excersize. I have to follow sports as current events – even though I don’t like them! I have to have a house, and a husband and some kids, maybe even a dog.

 

Nope. I don’t have to. Only if I want to.

 

As a kid there were all the these things put on you. For me, the part that really wasn´t me, was sports. I was supposed to want to participate in sports. I was made to feel quilty because I didn’t want to, and I thought I just disliked them because I was bad at them. But you know what, I actually did want to become a dancer, and I did want to learn to iceskate, but that was not available. So I felt bad because I didn’t want to be an athlete, and because I didn’t want to go to football practice. Why wasn’t I just left alone?

 

I am never, ever, going to do anything that I don’t want to do ever again. I am going to do this, I am going to finish this, and I am going to try to enjoy it the best I can because I DID CHOOSE THIS. I thought it was important. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. But I am here now, and I will make the best of it.

 

And pretty soon, I will be doing something else. I will not be hanging around. I will not be scared. I will go – out there, way out there – and I will be free.

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