Courage

First off, watch this

When I watched this video it really struck me how amazing is it that this deeply religious person, when presented with a gay friend, did not simply walk away in disgust but actually challenge his own beliefs which he had grown up with and thought to be true. How many people would have this reaction? 1 out of thousand? 1 in a million?

It takes a lot of courage to adjust or even change entirely the thoughts and beliefs you grew up with. I know because so far that ongoing battle has taken me 10 years. I think I’ve said before that I did not want to feel so scared, so stressed, for the entirety of my life. That I wanted something different for myself. But it is hard to even know where to begin. It took a long time to even find the right people to help me. I’m just so grateful I did.

For the past two years I’ve worked especially hard for this, getting quite remarkable results, having so many aha moments, “I can’t believe I didn’t realize this before” moments that I can’t even describe them all. But changing your beliefs into something more positive for yourself is a lifelong thing. And since I got here I’ve been thinking what’s next, what is there for me to learn, to change here?

I finally got an aha moment. And the moment is this, I have friends and even family members I sometimes feel alienated from. Like the link between us is broken. Everything discussed is on the surface. The honesty isn’t there. And that’s the thing: while I’ve worked so hard to be honest, and been honest with the people who have recently come into my life, my older relationships are not exactly the same. Because even though I’m honest, there are people in my life who have not been honest with me, and I’ve been too afraid to tell them how much that hurts me. How much I wished that they felt that they could tell me how they were really doing, underneath the surface.

Well there is only one thing I can do isn’t there? I can tell them the truth, and hopefully they will respond in kind. Indeed, one of my friends already has. I just started, and I am not backing down. Watch out – I’m coming for you!

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